1.) Alec was ready to take the plunge; he’d proposed to Jeni months ago, but she hadn’t even given him an answer.
2.) Sherry had been married to Julian for years, and they had two great kids; but she felt disappointed because everything seemed to have boiled down to a cold routine.
3.) Gary really wanted to date again after his divorce, but trying to manage his job, the home, and kids was difficult. He really liked Ashley, but he misinterpreted her stress as a lack of interest.
In each of these situations, at least one partner struggles because they are missing two important tools. Fortunately, I can help.
Are you two traveling in the same direction?
In my therapy practice, I help my clients clarify their current stage of relationship availability and where they hope to be in the future.
For example, some single people are surprised to discover that they simply want to date around while their partner is ready to settle down. This situation often leads to heartbreak. Discovering this lack of alignment after investing months to build a relationship only magnifies the pain.
Married couples also find misalignments. They may have partnered as parents and are both working to contribute financially but, in the process, their intimacy and connection dies on the vine.
Interpreting the Connection Status Diagram for singles
I use two diagrams to help couples clarify their connection level and the stage of the relationship they are currently experiencing.
The Connection Status Diagram shows the three primary forms of engagement that make up a relationship: Circumstances, Emotional Connection, and Physical Attraction.
Consider this example: a woman cannot spend much time with the man she is dating because she is newly divorced with children and works full time. She simply cannot find capacity in her days because of her circumstances (C). However, she feels a strong emotional connection (E) to the man – and is very attracted to him physically (P).
While she may have a desire to spend more time with him, she is constrained. If his circumstances are less constrained, he may push her to spend more time with him. This might work for a while, but she’ll eventually feel the burden and overwhelm of neglecting her job and children. They’ll both experience a push and pull in the relationship until she can make more time available in a healthy way or break up.
For Married Couples Too
For married couples, their circumstances may be highly intertwined showing as a high (C) along with being highly physically attracted to each other (P).
But if their Emotional Connection (E) is low, then they are likely experiencing a lot of destructive conflicts, which will eventually result in a sex life that feels mechanical and disconnected.
We can use this to diagnose issues in your relationship and help you put a label on recurring conflicts instead of blindly floundering for a solution.
The Relationship Playing Field
Every relationship unfolds. Some couples may choose to have sex when they first meet but doing so doesn’t speed up the unfolding of the relationship. In fact, I often tell women who are dating that having sex early does not contribute to a man’s desire to get to know her. It simply increases his desire for more sex.
But sex does add to the list of shared experiences and, in this way, creates an anchor for the couple. Other anchors include going out on dates, meeting each other’s friends or children, traveling together, saying “I love you,” living together, or getting married.
Because families have different cultural understandings about anchors, partners must sometimes clarify the messages that shared experiences send to each other and people outside the relationship. To help create this clarity, consider the Relationship Playing Field.
These shared experiences usually occur in a particular order. Few couples get married or open a shared bank account on their first date. I call these shared experiences “Anchors” because they cannot be unshared or forgotten once they occur. They contribute to the meaning and dialogue between partners.
Understanding Anchors
They also show the status of the relationship to others.
I once had a couple in my office because the woman felt neglected and unimportant to her boyfriend. He would not introduce her to his parents – even though he had met her parents by the third month of dating. He discovered that, in his family, introducing his girlfriend to his parents showed them he was close to marriage – and that was not the case.
Unfolding – And Aligning
As a couple experiences their relationship unfolding, they’ll encounter misalignment in both their Connection Status and Playing Field.
Take the man who would not introduce his girlfriend to his parents because it meant they were close to marriage. Compounding his reluctance may have been another aspect from their Connection Status. Perhaps he didn’t feel physically attracted to her enough that he was ready to make the introduction. Not only would meeting his parents send their relationship into the far-right side of the Companion Zone, but his level of attraction was also too low.
Most of us have an intuition about these things. We can feel the conflict of continuing a relationship that is not aligned. We may not have the emotional language for it. Still, there is often a nagging feeling that someone is not right for us – and moving forward with the relationship will ultimately lead to an excruciating breakup.
Recreating Connection
The Relationship Playing Field is a valuable tool for married couples, as well. Couples who attend therapy often have complaints about feeling disconnected.
“It was great when we were dating. He would be so affectionate back then,” a wife will tell me. “But now, he’s so ‘Blah!’ and doesn’t even acknowledge me when I cuddle up to him.”
The husband will respond, “Well, by the end of the day, I’ve been stressed from work, then you hand off the kids to me, and you want to tell me all about your day – even if I’m clearly not listening. I just need a break, ok?”
This couple is probably living in the Partner Zone – but have lost any benefits from their Fun Zone. This situation, again, leads back to the Connection Status Diagram and their lack of Emotional Connection.
The remedy for them is to rekindle their Emotional Connection by taking advantage of their strong Physical Attraction and re-anchoring shared experiences in their Fun Zone.
Get Back In The Zone.
Whether you’re single or married, you can benefit from using these tools.
If you want to learn more, contact me, and we can get started helping you improve your connection, intimacy, and confidence in your relationship.
Interpreting the Connection Status Diagram for singles
Consider this example: a woman cannot spend much time with the man she is dating because she is newly divorced with children and works full time. She simply cannot find capacity in her days because of her circumstances (C). However, she feels a strong emotional connection (E) to the man – and is very attracted to him physically (P).
The Relationship Playing Field
Understanding Anchors